Overcoming Self-consciousness

[opus]

I'm posting this on the Off-Topic forum because I'm not talking about being self-conscious as a photographer.

I'm wondering if any of you confident people might post tips on overcoming self-consciousness.


I consider myself rather bold. I'll talk to strangers, go out without makeup, sing karaoke, act like a goof sometimes. I always think to myself, "nobody really cares what I look like or do, they're too busy worrying about themselves." Or, "If they think I'm odd, they'll forget me within five minutes after they leave." Or, "they'll never see me again, who cares?"

But something changes when I need to perform. And I've got two performances coming up, and I have GOT to get over the self-conscious feelings that make me hold back. Because when I'm holding back, I don't sound or look as good as my potential.

I'm singing a solo in a chorus concert next month, and I'm afraid I'll get so nervous I won't sing as well as I could.

I'm also in a play in June. I'm only in the background so I think I'll be OK, but I totally skrewwed up the auditions because of self-consciousness. I felt like I had energy, but apparently I didn't have as much as I thought I was portraying. And I can trace that back to feelings of self-consciousness and holding back.

Here's what is the worst part: I'm self-conscious even at home, while practicing. My husband is home almost 24/7 (works at home), so I'm afraid to practice "letting it all out" because he'll hear me and come out and say something to "improve" me. Or maybe I'll be so loud the neighbors will hear me.


I need to get past this somehow. Any advice?

[jar_e]

I need to get past this somehow. Any advice?

Kelly,

Any public event can be nerve-wracking and stressful before it happens. But, you know what's interesting, once it's done, you always wonder why you stressed yourself out so much, and what the big worry was about. One of the main things of getting rid of performance fright is to recognize that it is merely one performance, and once it's over, it's not that bad. I've done probably hundreds of guitar performances and public event speakings at school. Every time I do a guitar solo for a performance, or I step up to the podium for a speech, I still get nervous. I think anyone would. But being able to use that nervousness and excitement in your material is the most effective thing you can do. I'm sure you know your husband would never say anything bad to you, but you play it up in your mind that he might. My adivce is this, you live life once. Though we regret many things, we highlight the good in our life alot more than our bad. You may perform thousands of times, but treat each time as its last. You never know when your time could be up. Make each performance special. Be yourself, have fun, and overall, don't worry. If you bomb it, which I doubt you would, life goes on. We all survive, it's just a matter of whether you laugh it off or consider it a burden.

That's my rambling advice

Jared

[another view]

Kelly, I think I'm just the opposite. When I'm on stage with a band, I'm not nervous - maybe it's the prop of a bass that helps though. Used to be that I only got nervous after we were done setting up and with soundcheck, but that doesn't bother me anymore either. I think the confidence from doing it for 20 years helps, as well as confidence in the other guys to make everything fall into place. I don't do anything solo, so it's a little different. Recording studios make me nervous, but if I work on mentally overcoming that I do a lot better.

I think the key is knowing your material backwards and forwards; knowing it well enough that you can help the group recover if someone misses their cue. Again, this doesn't help much with a solo but that conficence will help you concentrate on what you're supposed to be concentrating on (your own performance, rather than "oh crap"). Give it everything you've got, whether you're rehersing or performing. If you don't feel comfortable with practicing at home, see if the place you're performing at has private practice rooms.

[Michael Fanelli]

I'm posting this on the Off-Topic forum because I'm not talking about being self-conscious as a photographer.

I'm wondering if any of you confident people might post tips on overcoming self-consciousness.

Well, I have never had trouble with this (lucky I guess). In fact I thrive on it. I guess I'm a big ham. But maybe I can help you.

Enjoy the anticipation: When I get ready for a Public Appearance, I'm excited. I have something to say or do that might be of value to someone. Sure as shootin', I know I'm more informed and/or talented than most of my audience! If I weren't, they'd be here and I'd be watching. There is a reason you have been thrust onto the stage!

Embrace the failures: It won't always work out. So what? If anything, your failure or mistakes will put the audience in a better mood. Rather than being the Great All Powerful Presenter, you are just like them. Most people will sympathize with you. Better you than them! Just do better next time. I sing out loud all the time and I haven't been able to sing on tune since puberty. So what? Many times, other horrible singers will join in and we create noise. Great way to embarrass teenagers, by the way.

Enjoy the success. Allow yourself to fall into a groove. Rise above the audience, the critics, the doubts. This is fun! Project that fun to the audience. This is hard to explain, you just have to let go and allow whatever you are doing take over. For a play, become the character. For singing, become the music.

Hope this helps a bit. It is often very dificult to explain in words something that is mostly an emotional state of mind.

[Peter_AUS]

I always found a little alcohol a lubricant in these sorts of situations, performing on stage that is. Not enough that it effects you, but a shot or two to loosen up the mind a little.

[opus]

Thanks for your advice, everyone!

Peter -- I took an acting class a couple of years ago, and for my final exam, I had to do a thirty minute scene where I was a Creative Writing teacher, with four very difficult adult students in my class. My part called for my character to to drink a swig out of one of my students' bottle of bourbon towards the end of the play. Most of the time, alcohol does not enhance an actor's performance, but in my case I knew I was taking the drink so late in the scene that I could get away with it, so I used real bourbon. I looked so forward to the end of the play so I could "sneak" my real bourbon.

But I don't think I should start drinking anything too early on the Sunday morning of Mother's Day.


Michael -- You reminded me, I once was on a panel of "experts" at a trade show seminar. The other people on stage with me were industry hotshots and editors; I was "just" a software user. There were about a hundred people in the audience, including Adobe executives and business owners from around the world. I was very nervous, and not only that, my laptop that I was planning to demonstrate with crashed, moments before I was introduced. I had to pass on my turn and have the AV guy come up and fix it to communicate with the overhead monitor before I went on.

But I learned something that day. My fellow panel members were BORING! They had big titles, but nothing to say ... and one wasn't even prepared! So when my turn came up, I cracked a joke about the computer crash, then went on with my prepared shpiel. I was nervous, yes, but afterward, a couple people came up to me, including an Adobe bigshot, and an executive (from either Malaysia or Japan), and told me they learned a lot from me. (Transcript here: http://seminars.seyboldreports.com/2...ranscript.html) So I learned it's not who you are, but how you help people, that really counts.

It feels different for performing though, because I'm not showcasing knowledge, I'm showcasing talent. That's a lot more personal and subjective. BUT ...


Steve -- I think you are right on with your advice about knowing your material backwards and forwards. I pounded on my chorus solo this weekend, memorizing it at home, singing it in my car a couple dozen times, and I even went to the empty theatre yesterday and sang it out from the stage a few times, just to get the feeling of being there. So then tonight, at practice, I was so much more confident! I didn't have to worry so much about getting it right, and could focus on controlling the more subtle nuances of my voice. I felt SO much more relaxed. The key is to know it.

I'm sure the same thing will happen with the play. We'll go over the material so much that by the time we open, I'll be doing it in my sleep.

ps. I didn't know you were in a band! You never cease to amaze me, you know that? Is there anywhere I can go to hear you play?


Jared -- I totally get the concept of participating in life before it's too late. That's why I'm in the play, and why I volunteered for a solo, and why I go ahead and do so many of the things I do. I don't want to get to my deathbead and say, "I wish I would have _______, but I was too afraid." I just need to learn to harness the nervousness and focus it into my performance.

But that's hard when nervousness makes your voice shake ... and you're a singer ...

Hey, I didn't know you played guitar. What style? My husband plays classical guitar.

[jar_e]

Jared -- I totally get the concept of participating in life before it's too late. That's why I'm in the play, and why I volunteered for a solo, and why I go ahead and do so many of the things I do. I don't want to get to my deathbead and say, "I wish I would have _______, but I was too afraid." I just need to learn to harness the nervousness and focus it into my performance.

But that's hard when nervousness makes your voice shake ... and you're a singer ...

Hey, I didn't know you played guitar. What style? My husband plays classical guitar.

Kelly,

Bass guitar mostly. Alot of rock and contemporary, but also alot of classical stuff through the high school concert band and church playing. Lots of sessions where we've jammed at night with our acoustics until late in the night. I'm glad you took my words into consideration, I was hoping you'd understand the rambling

[Janie]

When I first started modeling I was extremely self conscious until I tried Freeze Modeling a few times. It became addicting! You can actually hear people outside the store window staring at you, making funny comments and trying to figure out if you're real or not. I started messing with them, then it became a game where I amused myself. So I guess the one thing that got me over my self-consciousness was making a game out of it all. I had tried looking at the tops of the heads but then I got distracted by some of the really bad dye jobs out there. If you know that you know your stuff well, just get up there and belt it out and feed off the audience's energy! Lord knows they probably wouldn't go up there and do what you do! And so what if your hubby hears you! He should! Of course you could always practice in the shower! lol

I'm posting this on the Off-Topic forum because I'm not talking about being self-conscious as a photographer.

I'm wondering if any of you confident people might post tips on overcoming self-consciousness.


I consider myself rather bold. I'll talk to strangers, go out without makeup, sing karaoke, act like a goof sometimes. I always think to myself, "nobody really cares what I look like or do, they're too busy worrying about themselves." Or, "If they think I'm odd, they'll forget me within five minutes after they leave." Or, "they'll never see me again, who cares?"

But something changes when I need to perform. And I've got two performances coming up, and I have GOT to get over the self-conscious feelings that make me hold back. Because when I'm holding back, I don't sound or look as good as my potential.

I'm singing a solo in a chorus concert next month, and I'm afraid I'll get so nervous I won't sing as well as I could.

I'm also in a play in June. I'm only in the background so I think I'll be OK, but I totally skrewwed up the auditions because of self-consciousness. I felt like I had energy, but apparently I didn't have as much as I thought I was portraying. And I can trace that back to feelings of self-consciousness and holding back.

Here's what is the worst part: I'm self-conscious even at home, while practicing. My husband is home almost 24/7 (works at home), so I'm afraid to practice "letting it all out" because he'll hear me and come out and say something to "improve" me. Or maybe I'll be so loud the neighbors will hear me.


I need to get past this somehow. Any advice?

[opus]

The thing with my husband is that he thinks he knows more about music than anyone else, including my teachers, so whenever I start to sing he comes out, stops me, and corrects something I'm doing (even something I'm not working on at the moment), or makes me go back to the "foundations" and sing scales or something. I know he has good intentions, but it only distracts and confuses me. It drives me nuts.

I politely asked him yesterday to please stop doing that, because it was only discouraging me from practicing. He "agreed", but we'll see if he really sticks to his agreement....

[Janie]

The thing with my husband is that he thinks he knows more about music than anyone else, including my teachers, so whenever I start to sing he comes out, stops me, and corrects something I'm doing (even something I'm not working on at the moment), or makes me go back to the "foundations" and sing scales or something. I know he has good intentions, but it only distracts and confuses me. It drives me nuts.

I politely asked him yesterday to please stop doing that, because it was only discouraging me from practicing. He "agreed", but we'll see if he really sticks to his agreement....

Ohhhh, that drives me NUTS when they do that! UGH! Eddie used to do that until I did it to him when he was trying to fix his car! lol He also had a habit of touching my tripod - it's an expensive and complicated tripod I use for Virtual Tours and after he touched it, I was shooting a tour and the top fell off. I wanted to strangle him! I called him, flipped out and he came and fixed it very quickly. He hasn't touched it since. Good intentions can be so annoying!
If he continues critiquing you, just start critiquing him on things you know nothing about then give a lil smile when he comments! lol

[walterick]

Hey Kelly, you mentioned mothers day so I hope I am getting in on time

Here's my advice as a counselor-in-training:

You are fully aware of what your problem is Gotta love that about you You stated that you are "rather bold," "but something changes when I need to perform." You're describing feelings of self-consciousness and nervousness when the "need" to perform is on, and you're also feeling frustration at your husband's well-intended efforts to "help" you! Which doesn't help anything! Steve said that "practice makes perfect" basically, and you responded by saying that all of your practicing has paid off. But you're not comfortable practicing at home and that's a problem! Hold your hubby to his word not to help, and find a place you CAN feel good about belting it out!

You can address your fear in a few ways:
1.) Rationalize it, along the lines of what Michael was saying. Tell yourself it's NO BIG DEAL and re-mind yourself until you believe it! Additionally, is there any room to lessen the perception of the "need" to perform? The "need" thought is what brings on the stress!
2.) Practice! It'll build confidence!
3.) Flood yourself! Flooding is a technique in which you expose yourself to exactly what you're afraid of (singing solos in public) until your fear is gone! This is the most dramatic, quickest way to get over a fear, and not recommended to all, but you sound tough

I also extend this peace of advice: you said "I'm wondering if any of you confident people might post tips on overcoming self-consciousness." Well, YOU'VE got a confident side, Kelly! What would the confident Kelly say to the unconfident Kelly? You're your own best helper in this situation!

Hope all that helped! Believe in yourself that you can overcome your fears and you will

Good luck!

Rick

[opus]

Rick, you are a counselor-in-training? Really? May I ask what your goals are and what kind of training you're doing?

I've been told by several different people that they would have guessed that I was a counselor or psychologist by profession. My mom also said she thought I should become a counselor ... which totally surprised me, considering that it would take more schooling and I really didn't think she supported me doing that.

Anyway, in some ways I think it could be a great job for me, but I've only just considered it in the past four months or so. So I don't know much about what's involved.

[Dzerzhinski46]

Kelly, your situtation reminds me of my competative swimming days. I always get very twitchy and nervous before events. There was the moment right before the starting beep, absolutly still, and then BAM! there you go. I've found that especially when you start the performance, you are really nervous in the beginning, but shortly thereafter, you settle into a groove. I think it has to do with adjusting to the flow of events.

Rick made a very good point, flood yourself. If you can expose yourself to as much performance situations as you can, do it. I've played in church bands and it took me a while to get used to playing in front of a bunch of people, and then singing in front of them too after a while. But I found the most comforting thing about my situation was that I was working with competant people who knew what to do, and who had done this before. Knowing that I was supported by competant people, I could perform with confidence. Well, it took a while, but I have gotten mostly over it. Now I know you said this was a solo, but I would say that, if you are working with a good, competant group and director, then you have nothing to worry about. Concentrate on your music and forget about the crowd. If you do your part, the rest of the group will do its darndest to make you sound great. Hope this helps.

Dzerzhinski

[jar_e]

Rick made a very good point, flood yourself. If you can expose yourself to as much performance situations as you can, do it. I've played in church bands and it took me a while to get used to playing in front of a bunch of people, and then singing in front of them too after a while. But I found the most comforting thing about my situation was that I was working with competant people who knew what to do, and who had done this before. Knowing that I was supported by competant people, I could perform with confidence. Well, it took a while, but I have gotten mostly over it. Now I know you said this was a solo, but I would say that, if you are working with a good, competant group and director, then you have nothing to worry about. Concentrate on your music and forget about the crowd. If you do your part, the rest of the group will do its darndest to make you sound great. Hope this helps.

Dzerzhinski

Very true words. To almost 'over expose' your self will help your stage game alot. Instead of practice, practice, practice, maybe we all should be performing.

[opus]

I agree that the "flood yourself" thing works, I've experienced it in other areas of life, and I'm working on it here, but it's a slow process in the performance field ... each "gig" takes up about two or three months before I finally get to be in front of an audience.

I'm expecting that I'll be quite nervous for the chorus concert. But I'm finding that the more I practice in my "concert voice", the more it just comes out of me when I open my mouth.

By the time the play closes, I hope I will have "flooded myself" throughout the course of the performances.

[walterick]

Kelly -

Yup! I started taking classes early this year then had to postpone them until after the move to Phoenix. I am attending a working adult school called Argosy University, home to the American School of Professional Psychology. I am working on my MA in Counseling, which is the minimum you need in order to be a licensed professional. Licensing laws vary from state to state, but at this time most have adopted a 60-credit hour + two years supervised experience + licensure test to become a licensed counselor. I'm sure you have more questions, I have done a lot of research on psychology and counseling before making this decidion so feel free me to shoot me any questions you have.

You sound like a very self-aware person I think you'd be good at it!

Rick