10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

[Speed]

In light of my recent post: "Why I Own Guns", I thought it was time to post this. It's been posted in the past, but since PR has grown so much in recent years, I thought it was time to post it again. Feel free to print it out and give it to "the boyfriend". I've handed out several copies over the years....

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not going to be picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, people say we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when to expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on the subject is “Early”.

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of you car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. If you should wonder, the camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[jorgemonkey]

LOL, those are great!

You forgot the great Bill Engvall one:
"If you do anything to hurt my little girl, I got no problems going back to prison!"

[I_Fly]

I remember these. Still make me chuckle. And bring back memories of my very first date as a teenager with a driver's license and vehicle. Her brothers and father were out target shooting with shotguns. It got me in trouble with my date because I went to talk to them instead of going to the door to see if she was ready.

[jorgemonkey]

I actually never got the shotgun treatment when I was dating. For some reason I was "that guy" that my friends parents trusted. It was nice

Now one of my good friend's parents, her dad for a joke had her prom date come inside, sat him down in a chair with a hot light (no softbox or anything, bare light) and asked him a list of questions, while his wife & 2 others took notes during the interview. I had to leave the room and go outside & laugh. The guy apparently passed since we all went to prom

[Speed]

That one is also a classic!!!

I've got the DVD where he does that routine. It is great.

[mattbikeboy]

Absolutely Awesome! :thumbsup: I'll be sending this home to my wife and daughters -- that way they (the daughters) know what to expect when they start dating.

mbb

[Speed]

"It got me in trouble with my date because I went to talk to them instead of going to the door to see if she was ready."

No, not you!

Say it isn't true!

Hehehehe.

I knew there was a reason I liked you.

[I_Fly]

I'm a firm believer in gun control.....


If you can't control it, you can't hit what you're shooting at.

[mtbbrian]

What no pics!
:thumbsup:

[walterick]

"The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness."

LOL!!

btw went out to see the comet last night Speedo and it was clouded up here in Phoenix... a rare thing!