Hi Caleb,
I'm not sure that you've scared me and that's the problem. You've done an admirable job of lighting in a dark situation, looks like off camera flash, and your model is lovely, in a distressed sort of way. The knife isn't really prominent enough for me to notice so I'm not very intimidated by that either. The angle you've shot this at is confusing as well but only disorienting not intimidating.
If you're thinking about a re-shoot I would definitely suggest considering:
More lighting on the knife and a more broad side angle presented to the camera don't forget closer to the camera means bigger looking therefore more threatening. Making you're stalker a silhouette also can lend to the scary mystery of a shot like this. Try some backlighting or a harsh strobe effect as strong sharp shadows are always scary. Or for a weird angle suggestion try lying on the ground shooting up while she "stabs" at the camera. Also if you're going to show the stalkers face a little more sinister or angry or demented will be more scary. Really this is not a strike against your subject she is gorgeous, i.e. not very scary looking. I also don't think noise is something to shy away from either as I think it adds something to the fear factor as well. Think of the grainy qualities of the old monster movies or Blair Witch Project.
Hope that helps, have a Happy Halloween!!
. I 100% agree on the knife and wish I had gotten that right at the time. You're right about the lighting, I actually use 3 speedlights, but I believe 1 did not go off (back light).
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