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Was the flash mounted on the camera? The lighting is harsh and the composition could've worked but her body is in all the wrong places. Make sure the surrounding is neat wihtout things like that barcode on the botton right corner.
I will give you my 2 cents...
The angle of the shot does not work...why? Its tiring to look at the image IMO.
The composition seems too "complicated" or saturated, for portraits simpler is better or if you are going towards a complex surrounding on the subject make sure the attention is driven towards the subject heavily.
As Poker said the light is to harsh and this boost the "grab shot" feeling. Makes the photograph looks to casual if you will.
B&Ws in the digital era usually are somehow flat do to the tonal range achieved. Keep an eye to that on the PP.
HTH
Canon XSi
Canon EF-S 17-85mm IS USM
Canon EF-S 55-250mm IS
"A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words."Ansel Adams
"Photography is more than a medium for factual communication of ideas. It is a creative art."Ansel Adams
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