Shall I write to she?

Not to go into too much detail, and if you want that I can link back to old threads I started about this girl.
It's this girl I used to work with, we kinda got on and both in the end made it clear how we felt about each other in a pub shortly before I left my job.
She always had a BF as long as a knew her, but she did nothing but moan about him. Before I left to go live with my mother who had moved in with her BF about 70 miles away I told her I would come back if it was for her ETC. But even after everything she said she told me 6 weeks after leaving my old job she was engaged to him!
Still met up with her agian a few months after I left my job and the area my was on in on one of my regular visits to that area (only £25 retern ticket, few hours away) to see my cousin, I met up with her again, I forced myself into telling her how much I felt she had let me down, she made me promise I would write to her, of couse I didn't i sent her the odd text every now and agian, but about a year ago, the number stoped working, and she didn't send me a new number.
My asumption is that she probably lost the phone and my number, Its been a while and it really is probably the time to write to her even if it is mainly to send her my phone number, but the truth is I love her.

"it really is probably the time to write to her... but the truth is I love her."

'Nuff said. Send the letter.

Hey Ajuk. I know how you feel. I've been there myself, and I would like to pass along a few things that I've learned. Hopefully you'll bear with me - I might come off a little cold, but that is just the realist in my. I promise to try my best not to, though.

But before I do that, lemme tell you a story about my experiences. A little over two years ago, there was this girl that I was very good friends with. We both liked each other, and it was obvious to everyone around us. Somewhere along the line, we admitted that we liked each other, but I was scared. Despite this, we still started seeing each other. What I didn't know was that she had someone else back home that she had just started seeing too.

I come back from Spring Break to find out that we need to talk. Apparently, she had to make a choice between me and this guy (one I think she had already made by that point). She picked him, and we remained good friends. It was almost like that little rough spot had never happened. After she graduated, we still talked to each other, and he would never come up, or if he did, it was never anything good (even to people she hadn't seen in a few months...but I digress).

Then one day in August of 2004, I get an instant message from her saying that she wanted me to hear from her that she was getting married. At that point, I wanted to tell her what I thought of the idea, nicely of course, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And then in January, she made some comments to me about the girl I was going to date...basically trying to warn me off for some reason, and that was the end of our friendship. When I wanted to talk to her about it, she blew me off.

From all this, I learned a few things. One, girls who complain about their boyfriends to another guy are either a)trying to get your attention so they have a reason to get out of the relationship, or b)just trying to vent. Its irritating when it is done to a guy that they know likes them, which is why I suspect the first option has some truth to it (ladies, please don't kill, maim, or castrate me for that).

Another thing I learned is that guys tend to have selective thinking when it comes to women and love. At some time over the last year and a half, I dealt with this issue with another girl I was interested in. I was able to rationalize, against my better judgement, how this girl could be interested in me because of the evidence I had available (plus one of her really close sorority sisters kept telling me that was the case). Whether it was true or not, I don't know because I could never get a good read on her.

We tend to ignore, or misinterpret, body language and other non-verbal signs about a woman's interest in a man. Many women tend to say one thing verbally and something completely different with their body language. There is a whole volume of information available on that, although your milage may vary because each person communicates in a different way.

And finally, the most important lesson you're going to need to know is when to let go. In both cases that I mentioned above, I should have let go much sooner than I did. Had I done that, I would have saved myself countless hours of angst, but you live and learn, right?

What you have to think about is this - she's engaged, you can't call or text her anymore, you haven't written her, and you never mentioned how she responded to your text messages. I know you say you love her, but I would think that she's moved on by now.

I also think that you've set yourself up for a lot of heartache by waiting so long.

There is an American Country band called Rascal Flatts that has a couple songs dealing with just this issue called "I'm Moving On" and "These Days."

I suppose its all down to curiosity,
She can't complain that I am writting to her and if she does she has no right to since she made me promise, I am writting to her as a friend, i suppose I just want to know if she is ok, the letter prolly wont be very long, just Hi how are you.........? Here is my Number........ ETC

In that case, it can't hurt, Ajuk. I say give it a try.

from the viewpoint of a girl who was once in that very position ....


1) I loved J. But I never felt he really loved me. If he did, he kept it too much inside him. So I felt, in order to protect my heart from heartbreak, I had to move on. I started dating R, a man who showed real interest in me, who challenged me about J, saying "if he really loved you, why isn't he making every effort to be with you?"

2) I married R.

3) What a mistake.

4) Maybe J was too afraid of letting me know how he really felt. Circumstances were not ideal, and perhaps I should have given it more time. But R was there in front of me, making the effort. I guess the "sure thing" counted more than the "maybe".

5) On the other hand, sometimes a girl might just want to feel attractive, and keep her options open, and string a few other men along just so she doesn't feel so trapped in one commitment that isn't perfect for her. (I've heard plenty of stories about women like that.) How honest do you feel she has been with you? You could be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Could you handle that?

I don't feel there is any "safe" communication here. Your letter will be loaded with unspoken meaning, and you will be watching closely to see how she responds. Go ahead and write her, but be honest with yourself and be emotionally ready for whatever happens.

Go with your gut feeling. In similar situations when I have gone with my head, heart or any other part of my body ;) instead of my gut I've gotten slammed.

That said... It seems like she has moved on. It may be different in the UK but in the US when you lose a cell phone and replace it you get the same number. If that's the case over there she may have changed carriers or changed the number for some other reason and did not see fit to send the new number to you. Possibly a clue.

If you decide to send the letter I would suggest looking for nothing from it but closure.

I always thought that Europe had number portability, so even if you switched carriers, you could still keep your number. I know the US has that now.

I'm with Kelly. You will never know if things turned out right unless you profess your feelings and find out what hers are. I wish you all the best of luck. Things will turn out the way they are meant to be.

another viewpoint from a girl....from the other side.

And let me preface this by saying I mean this in the nicest way possible, and am trying to type this very tactfully...

Some people are just too nice to say leave me alone. I was friends with a guy who I was not really interested in. Nice guy, good person, zero romantic possibility. I realized he was interested when his face came looming towards me in his attempt at a romantic first kiss, which I'm sure was meant to be the beginning of a long, cherished relationship. As you can imagine, that freaked me out a bit. I took a step back, almost fell off the porch, and had to come up with some lame excuse on the spot when he tried again. Unfortunately, I choose the ever popular "I really like so and so". The next day, he went and talked to so and so, who told him we were not to be. Guy A came back and told me, and re-presented his case. Well now I had to tell him that I just didn't like him that way, but really wanted to stay friends. Which I'm sure is the sentence every guy longs to hear. So now the friendship is out the window, and everytime we met in passing, it was super awkward.

The best part? My friends all knew that he was interested, and never warned me. They could point out numerous clues, all of which I was oblivious to. Had they but warned me, I could have said something right away, and avoided all the awkwardness...

My point? Had this guy been leaving, I would have asked him to write, and keep in touch, because I was to nice to let him know flat out that I wasn't interested in having a relationship with him. But the issue was forced, and it ended badly. Assuming we would have kept in touch, if I lost my phone, or changed my number or email, and was interested in keeping in touch, I would have contacted him.

Again, not trying to be harsh here, just offering another point.

If you feel you need to contact her, that is a decision only you can make. If you feel you love her, you need to decide if the potential reward is worth the risk.

adina

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by walterick

"it really is probably the time to write to her... but the truth is I love her."

'Nuff said. Send the letter.

---

You romantic you.

Excellent advice, adina.

There are cases when people marry a partner they shouldn't. This is evidenced by the high rate of divorce. Maybe she is marrying the right guy for the right reason, maybe she is marrying the wrong guy for the wrong reason. The only way you'll know is to write her and make her come clean with you. As has been said before, be prepared for heartbreak. Not every girl is going to pause at the alter and then run down the aisle, hop in a cab and go catch you at the airport, etc etc etc. People marry for different reasons. Money, pressure, guilt, security, sex, low self-esteem, boredom, etc. You have to let her go do her thing but you also clearly need closure on this. Just keep your expectations realistic. She may write back and say things to allow you to continue to have hope, she may write back and end it formally. She may not write back. Closure will help you move on, if she loves you <i>and leaves him for you permanently</i> then you'll be happy. Either way, you win. Send the letter.

"Some people are just too nice to say leave me alone" I doubt this is the case here, I never really came on to her, and making me promise to write would be an odd move.

Over here when people loose there phone the number normally gets changed unless its a contract phone.

I think I have a better idea anyway, how about an xmas card with a note in it?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ajuk

"Some people are just too nice to say leave me alone" I doubt this is the case here, I never really came on to her, and making me promise to write would be an odd move.

Over here when people loose there phone the number normally gets changed unless its a contract phone.

I think I have a better idea anyway, how about an xmas card with a note in it?

---

That sounds like a good idea. Good luck.