Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year......... You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."