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  1. #1
    GB1
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    Attorneys on the loose

    Another funny email flying around the internet - GB




    These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    _____________________________________

    And the best for last:


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

    THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....
    Photography Software and Post Processing Forum Moderator. Visit here!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feel free to edit and repost my photos as part of your critique.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    My Site

  2. #2
    Sports photo junkie jorgemonkey's Avatar
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    Jul 2003
    Location
    San Jose, CA
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    Re: Attorneys on the loose

    Those made my morning!

    And I passed them along to my lawyer cousin
    Nikon Samurai #21



    Cameras:
    D700
    D300
    D200
    D2H

    Lenses:
    Nikon 35mm F1.8, 35 F2, 50mm F1.8, 70-200 F2.8 VR
    Sigma 150mm F2.8 Macro
    Tokina 12-24 F4
    SB900 & SB800 flashes

  3. #3
    Member gotrocks's Avatar
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    Alabama
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    Re: Attorneys on the loose

    GB, hope this is OK - if not please remove and accept my apology.


    What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?


    He gets t a l l e r.
    Plant a tree, help it grow. Children need something to climb.
    Critique any picture; any where; any time.

  4. #4
    Panarus biarmicus Moderator (Sports) SmartWombat's Avatar
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    UK
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    11,750

    Re: Attorneys on the loose

    A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

    372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

    372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

    372.03 - The wilful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

    372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

    372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

    372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

    372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds!

    372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

    372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

    372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day

    Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2
    Two-faced Tortfeasors 1
    Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3
    Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2
    Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES)
    PAul

    Scroll down to the Sports Forum and post your sports pictures !

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